12 WEEKS!

Here I am.  Twelve weeks pregnant with a gift from my God.  My husband keeps asking me, oh so excitedly, can you believe it?!!! 

Actually I can't.  I don't just say that, I honestly struggle with it.  Honestly, I never thought the time would come and now that its here, well, its almost surreal.  Like I am living it out but from a distance.  I know I am sick as a dog, my boobs hurt, I am exhausted past words,  eating pickles like they will never make them again, gassing it up worse than my husband after 2 days of chili and yet I don't comprehend it fully.  Does this make sense?  Sorry if it doesn't. 

The first 12 weeks has gone by quite quickly.  I started off a bit sick, but then would also have some good days.  I was able to run, and up until last week had been.  My mileage ranging between 3 and 4.4 miles.  Not bad for a pregnant gal.  Mile times are slower, but they should be.  The biggest accomplishment to me is I am still out there, but only by God's grace.  Especially after how the last year and half I have had to take off due to 5 stress fractures.  I have signed up for a 15K race (9.3 miles) so hopefully I can run it in December. 

The last couple of weeks have been rough.  I have had some good days with only evening sickness, then whole days of sickness, then days of just queasiness.  However about a week ago I started getting sick and it didn't let up.  I was puking pretty much everything that I hammered down my gullet.  With no real end in sight.  I figured, I am almost out of the first trimester, I can make this.  Its already been so different then my other pregnancies with M1 and M2.   But on Tuesday afternoon things got bad.  I started having these wretched cramps right after getting off the phone with Pat.  By the time he got home I was in the fetal position in tears.  I won't lie, our first intial thoughts were, I was miscarrying, again.

But as soon as I thought that I got checked in my spirit.  Girl, do you have no faith in me?  I have given you a promise.  Hold on to that.  Fear not my child.  So I held onto what I new to be true.  My God's voice, in this mess.  Pat called the OB.  They told him it was most likely round ligament pain.  However, that was made complicated by all the vomiting I had been doing.  While those ligaments were stretching I most likely damaged them with the exertion of my body from being sick.  So the pain lasted about 15-20 minutes, very intense.  However it would go away, only to come back in an hour or so.  While we sat and waited through the good time, he researched.  Most ladies only had these spasms for a few seconds.  Why so long for me?  The joys (sarcasm here of course) of being sick everyday for the last week did me in.  Worst part is I was still puking so now my ligaments are stretched and irritated and I am still puking, causing even more spasms.  By Wednesday morning I was a  mess. 

Pat stayed home.  I am so thankful for that.  I had been unsure whether to go back on Zofran, I felt like I was admitting defeat.  I mean, I heard from the Lord that this pregnancy was going to be different.  Does this move make me doubtful?  No,  I am still believing its different, I don't know what that looks like.  But I know I can't go down the other road.  So we called and got my prescription filled.  Even this I just have to lift my hands in faith and believe. 

Forty Five minutes later I had Zofran in my hand.  I took it and how wonderful, an hour later I ate lunch and it didn't come back up.  My stomach was still cautiously trembling but I was happy.  I held down 2 bottles of Gatorade.  Pat said I look like I have life back in my face, your eyes have that sparkle again.  Thank you.

I went to bed that night slightly excited, I had eaten 2 meals today.  The vomiting has subsided but the pain in my ligaments was still there.  I thank you God I have a good man.  He told me he would stay home a 2nd day.  I got to sleep in, he home schooled.  Oh, thank you Father, for even the small things.  Today I got up and started the day ok.  However half way through the pain was back in full force.  I laid on the couch wondering why, why, why.  I don't know.  All I could do was dig into my bible and lay at His feet, calling out, asking others to call out for mercy with me. 

Now its almost 10 at night and I am doing ok.  My kids are wonderful.  They have spent the last 12 weeks making sure mama is comfortable, even offering to sit on the other side of the table when the smell of their lunch makes me sick.  They are both excited but also concerned for mama. 

So to answer the question can I believe it, no?  I feel like Sarah who when the Lord told Abraham that Sarah would give birth to a child by this time next year, she laughed, OUTLOUD, at God.  He said, is anything to hard for me.  I have almost felt I am not worthy.  We walk through the baby aisle and as much as I would like to buy a cute onesie or bib for this baby, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I turned my back on you God, Pat and I closed your hand of blessings.  We choose our way, yet you continually bless us.  I don't get your crazy kind of love, I don't think I can ever comprehend it.  I don't deserve it.  All I can say is thank you, raise my hands and choose to follow.  I am in awe of the love your have for your people, even when they think they can do it better, their ideas are better, their wants for themselves are higher.  You still love and pull us back to you, lovingly showing us, no not our will God, but yours. 

So here I am 12 weeks, I have seen my child twice now and I am still in shock.  I cannot tell you how amazed at God's grace, mercy I am.  Even the LOVE, for me and my family that he has.  I wake up everyday with the need to pinch myself.  I pray that feeling never goes away.  My I always be in amazement of your wonder and glory Lord.  Let me never become dull to it, may I never just walk through my life with an attitude of ignorance, blindness, or arrogance.  May I always be filled by the wonder of your mighty hand.  Thank you Lord, simply put, thank you.