***29***

2 days ago I turned 29.  I know its not that old, really, still a kid to some, but what I have seen and walked through in these 29 years is amazing.  I have spent the last couple of days processing this.  No its not like I am turning 80 and have all this life behind me and I need to start really evaluating my bucket list.  I will say though that this last year has really been one to take in, sit back and just look at in awe.  It has been unlike any other year of my life.  Definitely unprecedented.  In doing this process of meditating, I have been very honest and real with myself but also have allowed God to do that as well.  I mean come on, as quick as we are, especially as women, to pick out the bad and ugly about ourselves, GOD is QUICKER to point out the beauty, joy, peace, and pick up the pieces, love on us, redeem us, provide for us, and to correct but always with that unending love.  That is really what this last year has been about, HIS perfect, un-ending love.  Without it, this last year I am not sure I would have made it through.  Honestly.

Last year started out beautifully in 2010 God taking my hand and showing me what TRUST looks like to Him and essentially what HE was asking from me.  To completely and utterly TRUST IN HIM, ALONE, JUST HIM!  Little did I know how important this lesson was going to be for my very life this year.  Learning to let Him lead and TRUST His leading, that I would at some point later, have to TRUST  HIM and HIS TIMING, GUIDING, HAND, MERCY, LOVE, for His REDEMPTION, to have Him lead me along green pastures....but that would really be much later in the year.  For now, the beginning of 2010, HE was gently poking his head in and whispering, trust me.   

You see 2010 started off with the death of my bilogical father, Allen.  Weird.  I was in no way connected to him, wasn't a part of his life, but yet his death had such a profound effect on me.  It was as if the other portion that completed me was no longer around.  You see, I have not seen nor heard from this man since I was 10 years old and with the damage he had done to me was a good thing that I hadn't any contact, protection even. 

Yet, 10 years ago, I handed my life over to Christ, never knowing what EXACTLY that entailed.  All I knew was that I was at a point in my life where I couldn't go forward, couldn't go backwards and all other available exits were closed.  So I cried out and what I thought was dirty, rotten, broken, un-lovable and completly DESTROYED, GOD PICKED UP and completely LOVED.  Just the way I was...in that moment.  You see, when I think of handing my life over to Christ I don't see it as a forced choice and that I am bound by rules and regulations and ALL THE FUN IS now void of my life.  Maddy has cheer bear, and Matthew has YAYA.  If bedtime should come around and those are not present they are so upset, tears, wailing, and unwilling to relent until the said lovey is found.  Much like what Christ does when HE wants us.  He calls for us, His heart breaks for us.  So with the protest from them going on and no sleeping, I go in search of the beloved lovey.  When find it, I walk it up to either one of them, and they receive it with such open arms, with such a gladness and relief.  The tears of grief become tears of joy.  This is the same way God received me 10 years ago.  It was as if He was saying, my child I don't care where you have been, how long your were gone, how dirty you became while away, I AM rejoicing now that you are home, my tears of sadness have been changed to tears of gladness.  YOU ARE HOME NOW, you are with me.  Little did I know how much my life would change.

So back to Allen's death.  At first becuase God was so tenderly holding me in that moment, I was ok.  I say that so tenderly, because now I realize how tender it was.  That was January 30th.  I pretty much walked through February NUMB.  I couldn't feel, think, breath...I honestly felt numb, I could have been drowning and would of never noticed, just processing what it all meant.  I mean, He did some pretty gruesome things and yet  I had dropped it all at the cross, CHRIST WAS NOW CARRYING that baggage but the death, I was not prepared for.  My reaction, was that of sorrow, wanting to pray his family, to reach out to them, somehow.  To let them know that there was forgiveness, and I was not walking with hatred towards them or my past.  I don't even know where they are to make this contact and I know they will never know.  But my God knows. 

I walked into March, going from numb to just completely breaking down.  Nothing made sense in my life, and the way I normally process things was taken away.  I was dealing with 5 stress fractures so there was no running.  It was as if God was saying to me, YOU ARE NOT RUNNING away from this one.  We will WALK it together but please, Laura, don't run.  I am so glad I didn't run.  I am so glad I listened.  As painful as the year was and was about to increase, I am glad I walked that storm, now.

I hit my birthday and came to such a place of brokenness, the only thought I had left was that maybe a pill would be my answer.  I thought if I could just get my head clear, if I could just have one good day of clarity I could get this straightened out.  So I spent the spring and summer bouncing from one medicine to another.  Funny thing about those anti-depressants they have side effects.  I mean really, why prescribe a depressed woman medicine that makes her gain weight.  It's like they (docs, pharmatcutical companies) are sitting back and saying wait, wait, this will be hilarious, listen, how about we do......COME ON!  So I spent the summer gaining weight, not sleeping, processing.  All the while God was knocking on my heart.  First to trust him, but He had a BIGGER plan.  The the feelings I was feeling were no longer attributed to Allen but to someone else.  I needed to work through that, and He would be there, holding my hand.  Just as He always has been.  I just needed to stick mine out first. 

I spent June and July fasting with God, giving over my mama time, 3 hours in the afternoon, to Him.  Spent it basking in His presence, reading the word, studying forgiveness.  He gave me a message to give to someone.  But honestly I didn't want to, I was mad, hurt, confused and struggling with feelings of betrayal from an offense that was 20 years old!  At the time this seemed CRAZY.  Especially becuase the travel that was needed to deliver this message was not going to happen.  That was a trip across country and back, childcare and money that just wasn't there for that.  Not to mention I didn't want to give this message, I mean I was struggling with this person at that moment that I felt so hurt by.  BUT it was God that so tenderly (re-occuring theme in my life this year with God, tender) laid on my heart, and funny thing about God is that if He has something HE WANTS YOU TO DO, HE WILL PREPARE THE WAY. 

I continued to meditate on this message and what it meant.  This forgiveness.  This love, one that I don't understand all the way but such a peace comes with it, I don't care if I EVER understand it all.  All I know is the more I focused on this, prayed on it, and fell in love with it, GOD PREPARED THE WAY.  My trip was set up out of the blue and I was able to travel to where I needed to go in November.  I was given a moment in which I was able to share the very message GOD LAID ON MY HEART.  If I had ever doubted that message for this person, it all vanished when I started to speak.  When this person's complete character changed and broke I knew this was a message they needed to hear.  The healing that took place in that moment was unbelievable.  I have never seen GOD move so fast, but HE was there.  Just as He said He would be, I just had to step and take His hand.  The key was in the step.  That first move.  But when I did, oh it was glorious.  I can since say that relationship has gone to a different place completely since that conversation and my attitude about things as well.  BUT as with anything great and powerful from the Lord, it would not go without a fight from the enemy.

You see in that very moment the Lord gave my husband a message for me.  That HE, GOD, was going to take this burden from me and I could walk away from those pills, that HE now had me.  Which in itself was a miracle becuase I was so miserable on those that I wasn't myself.  But I needed something bigger then myself to pull me out.  God was going to do this, but could I take that first step.  Did I have the FAITH, the COURAGE to do what He was asking me to do?

After much prayer and talking to a doctor I knew it was time.  So I weened off those drugs.  But if anyone else has ever weened off such a drug they know that the side effects are HORRENDOUS!  Everything and anything from brain zaps, dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, insomnia, suicidal thoughts and YES GAS!  Not bad enough I am tired and can't think straight but I need to be tooting it up too.  Funny now, not then, just added to my humiliation and overall sense of I am worthless.  BUT, and yes that's a BIG but, BUT, God has a plan.  He will use ANYTHING!  This too HE would use for His honor and glory.  There would be redemption, a clear start, mercy and the love that flows freely from the father. 

You see I did struggle with all the side effects.  The worst came and hit me on a Saturday night late in November.   I wanted to die. I could see it.  It was as if I was standing on the top of a tall tall tall cliff side, just darkness below, quietness, and I was out there all alone.  There was no one out there, I thought, on that ledge with me.  So dark, so empty, completely void of feeling, thought, consequence, what I thought was an end to a long suffering.  But then in that darkness, a light, soft, tender and low at first, then growing brighter. HOPE.  It had come at last.  Jesus was there in that very moment, calling me back from that ledge, calling me back, aking me to turn my face to Him in that moment.  Cast your gaze on me my child.  I will not leave you nor forsake you, I love you and YOU ARE MINE!  GOD, JESUS, had claimed my life and wanted me.  Thing about it though is its real life, and it hard.  God gave me the very image of my daughter and all things I would miss.  He showed me in that moment of misery and desolation what life had.  Then I had a husband sitting by my side praying that mercy would be shown to me, and that if only I could feel his love and the love of those around me and foremost of my GOD. 

In an effort to save my life, to save myself, I reached out.  When I thought no one else would reach back, that this thing, this burden, this log was to big to carry and I would have to do it on my own, GOD brought so many strong women into my life to pray for me, to care for me, to help me walk this out.  LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD. 

I reached out on Sunday pm and by Monday  a friend was there to stay with me during the day, watch my kids, prepare dinner and then Monday night a group of women were gathered together to pray for me.  I was happy to go and be prayed for however, I won't lie, in that moment I just felt judged.  I felt like the piece of silver on the table that is just tarnished to the point its not recognizable.  Even though that was never the case.  God brought 7 women, most of which I don't even know, to this prayer group on that Monday night.  Funny thing is God knew what He was doing in even the choosing of those ladies.  They didn't know me, they didn't know my background, they just knew I needed prayer.  We went downstairs to the prayer pub and they laid hands on me and began to pray.  GOD SHOWED UP. He broke chains, HE CLAIMED my life, walked me through some pretty hard stuff from my childhood and showed me exactly where HE WAS during it.  That we had suffered together, I was NOT ALONE.  Showed me the things I was holding onto and spoke directly to them.  Also showed the redemptive plan for my life to those women.  That this has not all been in vain, but GOD IS USING IT and plans on continuing to use it. 

I got to be honest.  I walked away from that tired, and needing rest, but it was such a heavy emotional journey I came home and just prayed and spent time with the Lord for much more of the night.  I mean really who sleeps after a 4 hour prayer session where GOD IS TOTALLY present.  I continued to process that for days.  With each day that went by I got better and better, the path becoming clearer and clearer.  The dust was settling.


You see, this last year, so many times I felt alone and by myself.  But God was always calling me in this sweet voice, tenderly, I am here, just take my hand.  Upon really thinking of this last year, God has been teaching me that its in our responses that our walk becomes clear.  If we are to take a look at the temptations of our Lord and Savior, HE is made in HIS responses.  Even in the very moment of his toughest trials, HIS responses were always of, your will be done FATHER, not mine.  No selfish ambition, or attempts, just seeking the Father.  We have choice in how we respond to the situations in our lives.  We may not control the situation but we do control our response.  As I reflect on this last year and just soak it in, I don't see the heartache, the pain, I see the good, the growth, the pruning, that needed to take place.  I am in a better place this year, much better.  However, that growth cound not have come without the trials.  I am a stronger daughter in the kingdom now.  I now have an urgency in me for the things of God. So many people are out there walking this road, by themselves, but they do not have the hope.  My prayer is God, if you can use my story, my struggles to touch one soul, then it was not all lost.  My goal and prayer is to walk with women and girls through the struggles that come from the brokenness of sexual abuse, helping them to cling to that hope, which is there, though Christ.  I pray that I am not a wanderer here in this life, that I am aware, that my heart would break for the things that are breaking Christ's.  That I may help others to respond, to take that step, to just try to reach out for the hand of Christ...that has always been there reaching for theirs....

I leave you with this, LOVE CAME DOWN by Brian and Jenn Johnson.  This is what got me through, LOVE literally coming down, flowing, even gushing at times, but always there.  Here is to His will in our lives for 2011.